


Five Ways Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 8 Could End (And One Way it Won't)

by lynnenne



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Comic)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-06
Updated: 2010-09-06
Packaged: 2017-10-11 17:23:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/114809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lynnenne/pseuds/lynnenne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spoilers up to Season 8, Issue #36. Inspired by "Always Darkest." Warnings for snark. Unbeta'd for cracky, whacky fun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Ways Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 8 Could End (And One Way it Won't)

The princess’s castle was filled with her friends, advisors and loyal subjects. Her heart, like the castle, was open to all and full to bursting. The kingdom had declared a day of rejoicing and dancing in honor of the royal wedding, and trumpets sounded all across the land. Even the dead had been brought back to life for the celebration.

“Do you, Princess Buffy, take the Frog Prince Angel to have and to hold and let him touch you with his slimy frog parts?” asked the preacher Caleb.

“Only totally!” gushed the princess.

“And do you, Frog Prince Angel, take the Princess Buffy to let her kill you over and over again?”

“Ribbit,” said the frog.

The princess began her vows. “Death is my gift,” she said, looking dreamily into the frog’s eyes. “I gave it to you years ago, and it put my heart to sleep. But your magical kiss awakened me, and you planted inside me the Seed of Wonder! And now my heart is opening like a flower. Together we’ll evolve to the next stage of our emotional development.”

“Okay, but you do know he’s a frog?” said the bride’s sister, the Giant of Honor. “Frogs haven’t evolved in a hundred million years.”

“Everyone must evolve and grow!” cried the princess. “We’ll marry and be heroes and have god-like children. Just like Zeus and Hera on Mount Olympus!”

“Zeus spent all his time lying to Hera and running around behind her back,” said the brideswitch. “Also? He had a bunch of kids with other women that he never told her about.”

“And what timeless stories were told about their lives!” the princess enthused. “Full of drama and conflict and anguish, and great battles were fought in the name of their love. The Universe has decided that it must tell these tales!”

And the princess and the frog were married, and one season passed into another, and the tales unfolded just as the princess had foretold.

*

“Do you, Princess Buffy, take the Bug Prince Spike to have and to hold and let him touch you with his crunchy bug parts?” asked the preacher.

“Only totally!” gushed the princess.

“And do you, Bug Prince Spike, take the Princess Buffy to let her kill you over and over again?”

 _Skitter skitter_ , went the cockroach.

“Death is my gift,” she said, looking truthfully into the cockroach's eyes. “I gave it to you, and it put my heart to sleep. But I can never really kill you, because you’re a cockroach! You just keep coming back! Together we’ll evolve to the next stage of our development.”

“Okay, but you do know he’s a cockroach?” said the bride’s sister, the Centaur of Honor. “Cockroaches haven’t evolved in a hundred million years.”

“Everyone must evolve and grow!” cried the princess. “We’ll marry and be grown-ups and have heroic mutant children. Just like Phoenix and Cyclops!”

“Phoenix was secretly in love with Wolverine,” said the brideswitch.

“Ribbit,” said the frog.

“That was just a misdirect by the authors. I mean, the Universe,” said the princess. “Besides, Phoenix chose Cyclops! And what exciting stories were told about them! Full of passion and pride and miscommunication, and great battles were fought in the name of their love. The Universe has decided that it must tell these tales!”

And the princess and the cockroach were married, and one season passed into another, and the tales unfolded just as the princess had foretold.

*

“Do you, Princess Buffy, take the Carpenter Prince Xander to have and to hold and let him touch you with his hands covered in sawdust?” asked the preacher.

“Only totally!” gushed the princess.

“And do you, Carpenter Prince Xander, take the Princess Buffy to let her kill you like she’s killed all her other loves?”

“Hey, I’m still mad at you for gouging out my eye,” replied the carpenter.

“And I still blame you for my death,” said the carpenter’s ex-dead ex-girlfriend to the princess.

“Death is my gift,” replied the princess. “It put my heart to sleep for many years. But my handsome carpenter prince kissed my sister, and it awakened my heart. Together we’ll evolve to the next stage of our development.”  
   
“Okay, but he’s a man,” said the brideswitch. “Men haven’t evolved in half a million years.”

“Everyone must evolve and grow!” cried the princess. “We’ll marry and build a home and have happy pink children who will constantly be in danger. What could be more normal? We’ll be just like Superman and Lois Lane!”

“In _Superman Returns_ , the hero ignores Lois and disappears for five years!” shouted the Doll of Honor angrily. “And when he finally comes back, Lois is _dating someone else!_ ”

“Nobody saw that movie,” said the princess. “Besides, what timeless stories have been told about them! Full of faithfulness and rescues and kryptonite, and great battles were fought in the name of their love. The Universe has decided that it must tell these tales!”

And the princess and the carpenter were married, and one season passed into another, and the tales unfolded just as the princess had foretold.

*

“Do you, Princess Buffy, take the Slayer Satsu to have and to hold and fight each other to the death, like all Slayers must?” asked the preacher.

“Only totally!” gushed the princess.

“And do you, Slayer Satsu, take the Princess Buffy to gut you with your own knife, the way she did with her other Slayer sister?”

The Slayer popped her bubble gum. “I’d like to see her try.”

The princess began her vows. “Death is my gift,” she said, with a steely look into the Slayer’s eyes. “It put my heart to sleep for many years, but your cinnamon lip gloss kiss awakened me. Together we’ll evolve to the next stage of our relationship.”

“I still blame you for my death,” said the brideswitch’s ex-dead ex-girlfriend.

“And I blame you for killing Future Me,” said the brideswitch.

“That hasn’t happened yet,” said the princess. “And when it does, my Slayer bride will be at my side fighting your inevitable betrayal. We’ll marry and raise our Slayer army and guide them in the ways of womanhood. Just like Xena and Gabrielle!”

“The Twilight arc on that show didn't make any sense, either,” muttered the Sister of Honor.

“Ribbit,” said the frog.

“What timeless stories were never told about their lives!” cried the princess. “Full of sexy kisses and nakedness and girl-on-girl action. The Universe has decided that it must tell these tales!”

And the princess and the Slayer were married, and one season passed into another, and the tales unfolded just as the princess had foretold.

*

The Kiss of True Love awakened the princess after a long sleep, and her eyes opened slowly. She saw her sister’s face above her, smiling down at her.

“Dawnie? How long was I out?”

Dawn ran a small hand over Buffy’s forehead. “Not long. A couple of days.”

Buffy sat up. The mattress was made of straw. “Felt like years.”

Willow and Xander sat next to Dawn. “Did the spell work?” Willow stammered. “What did you dream about?”

“A castle in Scotland.” Buffy blinked her eyes, trying to remember. “Fairy tales. Magic. I was surrounded by people I love, but I felt so alone.” She looked at Dawn. “We went back to the Hellmouth. The Master, he tried to kill me again, but you sacrificed yourself to save me.”

Dawn held her sister’s hand. “You know I would,” she said.

“Everyone I love – " She looked at Willow's dark eyes, at Xander's sad face. “You should go. All of you. Far away from me.”

“No!” Dawn’s jaw set. “We’re not going anywhere. We love you, and you’re not going to push us away.”

“I don’t want this for you!” Buffy’s eyes filled with tears. “Death is my gift, it’s – ”

“Death is everyone’s gift, Buffy,” said Xander. “It’s the human condition. You can’t let the fear of it keep you from getting close to people.”

“I hate spell therapy.” Buffy laid her head back against the pillow. “I feel like I’ve been asleep for so long.”

Dawn smiled on her. “Time to wake up, sleepyhead.”

*

The castle was filled with friends, advisors and loyal subjects. The kingdom had declared a day of rejoicing and dancing in honor of the royal wedding, and trumpets sounded all across the land.

“Do you, Prince Frog and Prince Cockroach, take each other as companions for all eternity, and promise to not evolve for the next hundred million years?” the preacher asked.

 _Skitter skitter_ , went the cockroach.

“Ribbit,” said the frog.

AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER


End file.
